I have recently come to the conclusion that throughout my life and still today I care too much. It’s been a strange experience coming to this conclusion because I see myself as quite an independent, confident person who does what she wants. And I am… but I could definitely care less about certain things. And I intend to!
As much as do what I want, stand up for what I believe in and make my own choices, I’m still occasionally way too concerned about offending people over the smallest of things. And I’m talking things that would be so inoffensive that the offense caused would not be my problem at all. I must have absorbed too much propaganda that tells women to be super polite and passive.
I’ve also come to the conclusion that confidence knocks that happened earlier in my life have sort of stayed with me, stopping me from expressing myself in the way that I want to. Realising that I wasn’t great at certain things that I enjoyed such as singing and painting meant that I gave them up, thinking I might as well pursue something that I was truly talented in. But now I’m thinking that life shouldn’t be about only doing stuff that you’re ‘talented’ at. It should be about opening your mind, expressing yourself and, in at least some way, changing the world.
I think that this emphasis on pursuing talent stems from teachers and adults telling me that I had a natural talent for writing, when I was younger. This simultaneously made me feel special and inadequate. Special because I believed I had the potential to create unique writing and inadequate because I felt I could never quite live up to my own standards. But recently I’ve gotten a lot better at just enjoying writing, rather than feeling huge pressure to make it perfect. What the heck is perfect anyway?
Anyway, tomorrow I’m gonna graffiti, troll some YouTubers and stab my Critical Anthology of Theory and Criticism. Just kidding*. Obviously, not giving a f**k doesn’t mean being a twat. To me, it means being true to yourself and open to criticism but not limited by the fear of it.
*Plus I need my anthology for my open book exam tomorrow.